Lord Help the Sister...

Once upon a time things were easier at my house.  Sure there were more diapers to change.  There were even more messes to clean up and there was lots of urgent "Feed Me Now, Mama" crying, but when we had two children under the age of two, everybody loved everybody ALL of the time.  (The littlest one didn't know she loved everybody, but I'm sure that love was in there.)

Today things are less labor intensive but far more emotionally complicated.  Today those two girls are seven and nine.  They share the same space, hunger for the attention of the same haggard mama, and they look at life through the lenses of very different personalities.  (Don't forget the fact that we have also added another very spirited, cutie-pants baby sister to the equation.)  One moment Emma and Sophie may be lying on their tummies, side by side, coloring a beautiful picture together, and the next moment they are furiously screaming at each other.  This is foreign to me since I grew up an only child.  No one in my house ever shouted.  I find it very disturbing.  Those of you who grew up with siblings know that it is normal, but you will never convince me that it is acceptable.

Shifting my perception a bit, I realize that having a sibling is a huge educational opportunity, one that I never had.  A sibling can teach negotiation skills.  She can teach how to see things through the eyes of another.  A sibling teaches that you are not the center of the universe, that you must learn to share and to be patient.  She can also help you reach new levels of anger and frustration, and she knows how to hurt you at your very core.

Many parenting books and well-meaning friends will advise not to get involved in sibling squabbles.  I have heard it said that if you intervene in sibling arguments, kids will never learn to work out their problems for themselves.  I happen to disagree strongly.  Children are not born with conflict resolution skills.  If Mom and Dad don't intervene, the conflicts will be resolved, but it is likely that the child with the stronger personality will come out on top while the meeker of the two will be left feeling like a resentful loser.  This is not okay in my book.

I am only just beginning to learn about how complex sibling relationships can be.  My husband and I are choosing to regard these shouting matches between sisters as teachable moments.  We are trying to help the girls understand each other.  We are attempting to teach them strategies for dealing with their raw feelings without being hurtful to each other.  We are striving to listen without judgment, to acknowledge hurt and angry feelings and to not place blame.  We are confident that we are building skills that will allow them to effectively resolve their conflicts independently in the future.  This all sounds perfectly civilized, doesn't it?

Of course Mom and Dad are not perfect.  There are times when we get so fed up with hearing the yelling and fighting that we send them both to their rooms and proclaim that they are not allowed to speak to each other for the rest of the day.  One would think that being separated from the source of one's everlasting torment would be a relief, but anytime these two are sentenced to a forced separation at least one of them dissolves into tears.  Like I said, sibling relationships are complicated.

I welcome any advice or words of encouragement you may have for me.  Things will get better eventually, right?  Please, I beg of you, don't scare me too much about what is ahead for us in the teen years.  Until then I will continue to try to keep my cool while I occasionally reminisce about how sweet things can be...

"Bless you, my darling, and remember you are always in the heart - oh tucked so close there is no chance of escape - of your sister."  ~Katherine Mansfield