Meredith Carson... Across the Pond and Back Again...

This is what just came downstairs... Sophie and Emma as "Dad and Mum" I love having kids.

Life will never be perfect again. I was fooling myself all along when I thought I could make things just right, but that is my nature. I tend to make lists and plan out how everything should go on special occasions... much like Will Ferrell's character in Elf: "First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating. Then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then...we'll snuggle!" But this year with three children, I have officially had to let go of my inner perfectionist. I let go of the lists of things that are supposed to happen at Christmastime and just went with the flow. This year's gingerbread house (pictured above) was entirely kid-created, apart from a little help with the assembly from our resident engineer. Honestly, I think it's the happiest-looking gingerbread house we've ever had. Also, there just wasn't time to make the traditional Christmas cookies this year with every...

So far our Christmas has been stress-free and perfect. Kids playing happily, Lili snoozing and cooing at us, good food... yes, just what we all needed. Santa Claus came last night and brought some fun little treats, but my girls were most excited about the gifts they had bought for me... a beautiful sterling silver Celtic necklace and matching earrings AND another beautiful necklace which depicts our new family of five locked in an embrace. Santa also brought me a new Cath Kidston bag , so I am feeling completely spoiled. For the record, Emma and Sophie's favourite presents were: Sylvanian play sets and the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat DVD. (Maybe now they will stay off Youtube trying to watch it constantly!) Hope you find yourself in the midst of a peaceful and joyous Christmas wherever you are this year! Love... Meredith

I've been resting (sort of) and recovering this week as well as making peace with giving up breast feeding. I took my last dose of antibiotics last night and am still expressing milk every five hours or so. It is my hope that I will be able to keep up my supply just enough to do that last feed with Lili when the drugs have cleared my system. I think this will make me feel a little better about it all. I have an appointment for a scan tomorrow just to be sure that all is well. Our family is also getting back to normal a bit. Yesterday all of us went out to the cinema to see A Christmas Carol in 3D. My children were very familiar with the story, but the film itself was pretty terrifying for then. Lili was somewhat distressed by the noise, and I contemplated how much easier it was to take her to the movies when I had the milk / comfort on tap. Never mind all of that... I think it was important for us all to have a "normal" day out as a family to prove to ourselves that w...

I am smiling again today. I am coming to terms with my grief and getting a grip on my hormones. Today the health visitor called me and said, "You know when you have to stop nursing suddenly, your hormone levels drop. You need to be taking your fish oil." Yes, yesterday I started to work out the fact that hormones were at play. I know it is normal to be sad when in my situation, but I was crying bucket loads of tears. So... I have now resumed the fish oil that had been forgotten in the midst of all of this madness and other medications. I have also added B-complex and have been turning on my SAD lamp in the mornings. Not least of all, I finally got to watch the sneak peek of Glee last night here in the UK, and that perked me up instantly and took me back to my own high school show choir days. Today Emma has been off school with a horrible case of tonsillitis. (Seriously, you should see this girl's tonsils!) We had a really nice day together with Lili. We listened to lo...

The above picture of Grandma Sophia bottle feeding Lili absolutely breaks my heart (although Sophie loved the opportunity to feed her baby sister). This weekend has been a rough and emotional one for me. On Friday evening, just after the doctor's office closed (of course), I started experiencing pain in the previously dubbed "good boob." An hour or so later, flu-like symptoms hit me like a freight train. I was shivering uncontrollably and cursing the carrots and hummus I had eaten earlier as they returned... Hmmm... Ever tried to nurse a baby while throwing up? Looking back on it, that was pretty impressive. I was 99% sure I had mastitis. My "bosom buddy" Sonia drove me over to the Heath hospital where we saw a friend of ours who was the GP on call that evening. She confirmed that it looked and sounded like mastitis and gave me another round of antibiotics to start taking immediately. Saturday wasn't any better. Because of the infection my milk supply was...

Yesterday was a good day to be a mom. I got to go to two Christmas concerts which featured my children singing lovely songs about stars and angels and the good news of Christmas. In the morning Lili and I went to the Radyr Primary Junior's concert. I sat next to my good friend Sonia, and as we waited for the show to start, we cheekily discussed how Gok Wan might improve on the fashion choices of some of the staff and teachers. 'Tis the season to be catty, I suppose. (Seriously though, Gok could have a field day.) ...And then the show began. After the Year Sixes performed (not once, but twice ) a tedious yet imaginative version of The 12 Days of Christmas (which included "9 'Jedwards' Dancing"), the Year Fives shared a fantastic medley of songs from the musical Oliver! Then it was finally time for the traditional Christmas nativity musical put on by Years 3 and 4. The music was really lovely. Dear Emma sang her little heart out and gazed lovingly at her mother...

This is what I get to snuggle up with today... "Where there is faith, there is love. Where there is love, there is peace. Where there is peace, there is God. Where there is God, there is BLISS." --Sri Sathya Sai Baba Hope you find a bit of bliss today wherever you are.

When I go back and visit the States, as I recover from the reverse culture shock that ensues upon seeing scads of superstores and restaurants lining the sides of every major road, I am always struck by how friendly the complete strangers in these places are. I never really appreciated it when I lived in North Carolina, but the place is chock full of outgoing, friendly folks. Back in Hick'rey, you'd think nothing of asking a stranger in the grocery store if they'd tried the new Sara Lee frozen Key Lime pie on aisle 7. You'd absolutely expect the guy with "Ricky" stitched on the front of his shirt to hold the door for you as you exited the store with a load of shopping bags. (He might even help you to your car, especially if you were pregnant or had children, and then he'd say, "Have a nice day, ma'am," and he would actually mean it .) You would totally strike up a conversation with that lady in the waiting room at the dentist office when you ...

What's going on?

Well, if your name is Lilianna Carson, then the answer to that question is: EVERYBODY!! What a lucky little girl! We have all fallen head over heels for her. Today my brother in law requested a photo of all three children, and I realized that due to all of my drama, there really weren't any decent photos of all three children. So, when everyone was in a fairly civilized mood right after school, I managed to capture a few pics. Lili has also managed to catch her first cold, and she is completely pitiful. 'Tis the season, I suppose. Speaking of the season, Emma and Sophie are gearing up for their school Christmas concerts. Both are playing angels, and I have been busy trying to sort out their costumes. They have also both been rather secretive about their impending performances. Sophie did inform me today that three wise men brought Jesus gifts of "gold, insects and myrrh," so it sounds like she is right on track. Now I am off to help Lili cope with the abundance of sn...

Not much to write about today; just thought I'd post a semi-smiley photo of the Lili monster. For a few weeks it seemed I had her internal clock sorted, but for the past week, she's been back to her old, wicked, Carson ways... up at all hours of the night. Mind you, she isn't unpleasant, just awake and eager for company. Last night at around midnight I took her downstairs to George and handed her (wide awake and grinning) over to him: "Here, you two deserve each other!" I said. Three hours later, bless his heart, George stumbled into our bedroom and mumbled, "I have to go to sleep now. Can you take her back?" I hadn't meant for him to stay up half the night with her, but I must say, I think that was the best three hours of sleep I've ever had. Now... looking ahead to tonight...perhaps things will be better?? She is two months old today. High time she learned to sleep at night, I say.

Lili has taken some big steps out in the world this weekend! On Friday she went with George and me to the cinema for the first time in her life. We thoroughly enjoyed our outing with vampires and werewolves while Lili tuned it all out and had a nice, long nap. Then last night, all four of us Carson girls went to see our lone Carson dude on stage in the charming seasonal comedy, My Three Angels . We all enjoyed our night out (although Sophie is a complete grizzly bear today since we didn't get home until after 11 pm). We were very proud of George who seemed to be having the time of his life up on stage again. During the show our little Nosy Parker was bright as a button the entire time. Any time she threatened to kick up a fuss, I quickly shoved her up my blouse where she seemed to be perfectly happy. Everyone complimented her afterwards on her excellent behavior. (The other two girls were well-mannered little ladies too, by the way.) Keeping Miss Lili-pie content throughout the en...

George's dramatic debut in Wales happens tomorrow night. He is starring in the Radyr Drama Society's production of My Three Angels . Yes, I think he was completely mad to take this on when we were expecting a new baby, but I think it has been a nice outlet for him during this stressful time. Speaking of madness, I am taking all three girls to see the show on Saturday night! God, be with me! Above: George (Jules), Martin (Joseph), and Jim (Alfred), three convicts who are overcome with the Christmas spirit

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name. And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name. Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say... Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your glorious name... I have often sung along with these lyrics in church but wondered if I really meant it. Would I really still be able to "praise" God in the really bad times? As a young woman, I spent a good bit of time feeling quite angry with God about my situation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my situation then was all to do with my own attitude. These days I appreciate how truly fortunate I am when so many others in the world are struggling and suffering, but it is easy to be grateful when the fish are jumpin' and...

We are celebrating Thanksgiving early again this year. As I type I am feeding Lili her appetizer. Our guests are expected in half an hour, and, as usual, George has just gone upstairs to get a shower. Thanksgiving is a pretty exciting day. This morning Sophie bounded into my bedroom (where I was feeding Lili her early breakfast), and gave me a card she had made. The front said: To Mom, Happy Thanksgiving. Inside was a picture of Lili, and she had written, "Thank you for making this baby." I think we are all feeling especially thankful for Lili this year and for the fact that I am recovering well from all of my drama! Once again this year our Thanksgiving celebration has coincided with the Radyr Parish's Christmas Fayre, so I took ALL of the girls over to the church this morning for some "fun and fellowship." Lili slept through the entire affair in my front carrier. Emma & Sophie had their faces painted to look like Snow Queens... Above... This was my view o...

Even though the forecast called for rain and gale force winds, it has turned out to be an absolutely beautiful day. So after having my wound packed fiercely by the very gentle-looking Nurse Michelle at my local GP, Lili and I along with my adventurous friend Sonia hit the Taff Trail for some exercise, fresh air and sunshine. It was an especially good work out for me since I had Lili strapped to my chest in the ' Snugli ' carrier. The River Taff was raging due to our recent deluge; the trail was completely mucky, and I was in high spirits, filling my five senses with life once again! Afterwards Lili was full of smiles so the fresh air must have done her good too. Now I am off to make either carrot cake or cranberry & white chocolate chunk cookies in anticipation of our Thanksgiving feast tomorrow!

... I'm starting to get my groove back. I haven't even thought about blogging this week because I have been too busy feeling human again!! Cooking meals and doing laundry has never felt so good. Obviously I am still up with Lil several times in the night, but she seems to settle down quickly after each feed. Today she has been positively slumberous, so I hope she won't make up for lost time at 3 am... yes, hopefully we are past all of that...touch wood. I have been visiting the practice nurses at my local GP to have my wound cared for this week, and they have been very encouraging, even saying that after this week the wound will likely no longer need daily dressing. That's what I'm talking about, Mr. Nasty-Discouraging-Breast-Consultant! (Prayer, positive thinking and healthy eating, thank you very much!) And since I know you've been wondering... with the wound healing up so nicely, milk is no longer leaking out of it. This is a huge improvement in terms of my ...

It figures that the first week I am well enough to get out of the house a bit, the Welsh weather returns. The majority of this week has been cold, very rainy and windy. Yes, I am complaining and grouchy. I am sore and awkward and have been hauling a screaming baby in and out of the car in rubbish weather for the last two days... and I don't like it. Lili has also been a very unhappy bunny these last few days...which brings me to the topic of Sophie's magic fingers as pictured below.... Sophie, of course, is the one who decided that her own fingers were magical, and she is convinced that they can stop any baby from crying. The magic fingers do seem to work temporarily, and honestly even few seconds of respite from screaming and crying is always welcome. Oh, how I admire that Sophie-confidence and wish I had some magical body parts myself these days!! What I do have is a wound that is healing very well according to the district nurses who visit me each day. They seem to always b...

Today was a good day. There is a superstitious part of me that hated typing that last statement since the last time I did, it all went pear-shaped shortly thereafter. But I say pooh-pooh to superstition; it WAS a good day. Lili allowed me five very broken and interrupted hours of sleep last night, and that is an improvement. This morning after breakfast, Lili gave Sophie the biggest grin ever, and Sophie was thrilled that she had elicited such a fabulous response from her "so adorable baby sister." I actually took a shower and washed my hair (for the first time in four days-- Ew .) The district nurse visited and gave me a positive report about the healing progress of my wound. It will still have to be packed daily for a few more weeks, but there is no infection and all seems to be healing very well. My friend Sonia and I took Lili out for the first time ever in her pram. She loved the movement and the cool, fresh air and subsequently took a fantastic long nap allo...

It's a good thing she's this cute... Nosy Parker has kept me up for what feels like most of the night for the last three nights now. She isn't crying or upset... or even hungry... just awake... and nosy. It occurred to me this morning that I have now weaned off all of my pain killers, so now that she is no longer getting codeine-laced breast milk, it would make sense that she'd be a bit more awake and alert. Unfortunately I do not feel at all in the mood to socialize with her at 2 am. I am really hoping that she will fall into a normal, human sleep pattern soon, but I am afraid I may have another Carson vampire on my hands. Heaven help me!

My three little ladies in their pajamas this morning... Serves me right for bragging about how good I was feeling a couple of days ago... for the past two nights, Miss Nosy Parker has decided that it's party time in the middle of the night. If you want to spend some quality time with Lili, drop by around 3 am. I blame our completely unscheduled week in the hospital. Regardless of what is to blame, I am exhausted. Sophie thinks it's quite funny that "she's nocturnal." I am unable to find the humor at the moment. Ah well... this too shall pass, and we did indeed know what we were getting ourselves into the third time around. Here's hoping for a bit more sleep in the wee hours tonight!

Today was better than yesterday, and with any luck, tomorrow will be a bit better than today. I started my day on the receiving end of a few Lili smiles. What could be better? She and I also managed to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep in the night. The baby nappy taped under my bra did the trick, so for the first time since my surgery I wasn't soaked when I woke up. Hooray! I am starting to feel genuinely human again. "100%" and "normal" are goals reserved for the future, but for today, I am thrilled with the improvements I am experiencing. George took this photo of Lili and me this afternoon. We are standing in front of our new living room wall colour: Intense Truffle. No, I'm not sure what the expression on Lili's face is all about. Give her a break. She's only a month old. She is still working on her look. ("Baby Blue Steel"?) Miss Lili is indeed growing. The nurses weighed her a week ago when I was in the hospital, and she tipped...

...and it's mostly good. Each day I am feeling a tiny bit better. Each day when the district nurses come to change my wound dressing, they say it looks good and clean. Each day I honestly feel more grateful than anything else. I am so grateful to have a healthy, happy, (spoiled rotten) baby. Having a baby to take care of means there is no time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. I have had a few dark moments, but I have cried them out and then gotten back to life. I am also grateful that things are not worse. My issues, although painful and thoroughly inconvenient, are not life threatening. I have had truly excellent medical care that has all been completely free. (You will never hear me preaching about the evils of 'socialized medicine'. My care has been fantastic, and it is the same care that a prince or a pauper would have received. And that is all I shall say about that.) I truly do have so very much to be thankful for. I thought about this today when I p...

No, I didn't expect to be in the hospital recovering from surgery on Halloween, but that's just where I was. Above Lili and I are pictured all dressed up for Halloween. In case you cannot tell, she was a gorgeous little sleeping pumpkin. I was obviously a scary, naked lady who hadn't showered in a week... wait, that wasn't a costume unfortunately. So to re-cap... my hopeful attitude after last Monday's boob eruption was not rewarded with a miraculous recovery. Instead when we returned to hospital on Wednesday, Dr Eleri stabbed me with a giant needle a couple of times for posterity, then declared that that obviously wasn't doing the trick. I was going to need another surgery... just when things were starting to get back to normal after my c-section. Boo- hoo . After being starved for several hours (that's the medical term, not just my being overly dramatic), I was taken into the operating theatre on Wednesday evening. Prior to the surgery, I met my sur...

The blog has been neglected this week for a couple of reasons. The main reason is that I have a very demanding newborn. I am re-learning how to do everything (including typing) with one hand since I always seem to have one arm tucked around a gorgeous little babe. The other reason I have been absent from the blog is that I have been continuing to fight this breast abscess. I had some relief initially after the first aspiration, but a few days later, the pain began to steadily increase again. On Thursday I saw my GP who prescribed another round of antibiotics, but by the weekend the situation was worse than ever. On Sunday Morning George and the kids drove to Bristol to collect my mom from the airport, and while I should have been giddy with anticipation of seeing my mom after many months, I sat in the rocking chair and cried. So shortly after she arrived, we left my mom home with Emma and Sophie and headed back to the hospital. Boy am I ever getting sick of that place! Since it was a ...

I have been so encouraged by all of the wonderful messages that have come my way this week. I am also happy to report that things do seem to be getting better. I think another round or two of antibiotics may be required to shift this infection. It is a doozy . I plan to head back to my GP tomorrow to get her opinion on the matter. Otherwise, life does indeed go on even when mom is sick. On Monday Emma made her Brownie promise before God and everybody at the Pentyrch Village Hall. George reports that she spoke up and delivered the words conviction. I also managed to get out of the house today (with the help of Sonia) to buy Halloween costumes for three little girls. It was a nice, sunny day to be out, and I did find that the day passed much more quickly when it included a change of scenery. Lili did well on her first outing and incited lots of ooh's and aah's from friends and strangers. I feel a bit bad that I haven't taken near as many pictures of her as my oth...

It hasn't been the best week for me. I really thought I had navigated safely through the third baby postpartum stage with a minimum of tears and drama... and then I woke up on Thursday morning and nothing was right. I was slightly feverish, completely tearful... and those "blocked ducts" I had been complaining about were even worse. It also happened to be the day that George was supposed to go back to work. I rang my community midwife to see if she could pay me a visit. After blubbering on the phone to her for several minutes about my milk ducts which I thought had been painfully blocked for over a week, she suggested that I go over to Llandough Hospital to the breast clinic. I agreed to this, then hung up the phone and cried for an hour. (Meanwhile George had gone to register Lili's birth at the Cardiff registrar's office. There was a also a decorator downstairs painting the walls while all of our downstairs furniture sat, piled in disarray in the dining room.) I...

Fair warning: if you don't want to hear about my breastfeeding woes, skip on to the next entry, which contains nothing unsavoury. I have avoided my blog for the past few days because I can barely think of anything other than my painful, blocked milk ducts. Today I am breaking the silence in hopes that some of my mommy-pals out there will contact me with a miracle cure. Yesterday, for example, I loaded the left side of my bra with grated, raw potato, which according to several sources, is a tried and true home remedy for drawing out blockages. I will never look at hash browns the same way, kids. I did just speak to a midwife on the phone, and she encouraged me not to worry but to carry on with what I've been doing: applying heat, excruciating massage of the area, and continued nursing in unusual positions. (I didn't own up to attempting the potato trick.) I am starting to get extremely fed up since this has been going on for nearly a week now. It seems as though I give up on...

I think I finally turned a corner yesterday. I am actually beginning to feel markedly better, which is a very good thing considering the fact that while George was taking Sophie to school this morning, our clever and fabulous decorator/ handy man, Dave, turned up at our door as I sat, teeth and hair un -brushed, nursing Lili in the lounge. Emma, who is home today, running a fever, coughing her head off, and talking a mile a minute, answered the door and let Dave in. I knew we had booked for Dave to come out some Monday in October to do some interior painting, but I obviously wasn't prepared for him this morning. This is how I know I am starting to get my groove back... I immediately leaped out of the rocking chair, threw a receiving blanket over Lili and the boob and offered to make Dave a cup of tea. Dave accepted, and I easily managed to both feed baby and make the perfect cup of tea with milk and sugar at the same time. This is more like it! I don't mean that I am r...

This is what I have in my lap as I type this morning... I have had five and a half years to forget about how exhausting it is to have a newborn. One wouldn't think that a little thing weighing less than seven pounds could cause so much stress and so many aches and pains. This time around I am, of course, not only dealing with the usual stresses and fatigues that accompany having a new baby, but also coping with the aftermath of surgery. This morning I was moaning to George about how achy my back was and how much I'd love to have a really good stretch. Fear of feeling like I am going to rip my stitches, unfortunately, is preventing me from attempting that good, deep stretch. Ouch! But I did not sit down here this morning to write about the aches and niggles that will soon fade from my memory. (God was very clever when He gave us all New Mom Amnesia without which none of us would ever have more than one baby.) I did sit down to write about how being a third time mom means being ...

Everyone was excited about Lili's first proper bath tonight. Everyone, that is, except Lili. This is pretty much how it all went.... But all's well that ends well. She was ever so grateful when her daddy pulled her out of that horrible tub. And now she smells of Burt's Bees' lovely buttermilk soap. Mmmm. So this tired mom is about to go and cwtch up with sweet smelling, clean, sleepy baby... Goodnight All.

I took this picture of Lili sleeping on George's nasty old Kentucky pillow yesterday. I didn't realize at the time that it looked like the wildcat was about to claw her head... but the baby is still totally cute. Her sweetness is making my slow recovery feel completely worth it.

It's been almost a week, and we are loving life with Lili . For the first few days, whenever Sophie was in her presence, she'd practically chant, "I just can't believe she's my baby sister!" There is something amazing about it. We all knew that I had been pregnant with an actual baby for the last nine months, but the reality of her being here in the outside world with us still takes our breath away. For the past couple of days, Sophie's mantra has changed into, "She's just SO adorable!" Emma has been found on more than one occasion just sitting and watching Lili sleep. I have to admit that this is one of my new favourite pastimes too. I can't help but think what a lucky little lady our Lili is. She has no idea how much she is loved. Last night after I read Emma a bedtime story ( Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig ) and tried to send her off to bed, she asked, "Can I please bring a book in here with you and Lili and r...