Meredith Carson... Across the Pond and Back Again...

Back at the beginning of the fall, in anticipation of my undoubtedly imminent seasonal depression, I tried out a new antidepressant drug.   The medication that I used last year was just so-so and carried with it some unwanted side effects, so I started out with a very low dose of the new drug.  By the end of the first day I felt like I was wired on caffeine.   Toward the end of the second day I had developed a pounding headache which was exacerbated by the drug induced insomnia.   Clearly this new drug was not the miracle I was hoping for.   I returned the mostly unused bottle to the pharmacy for disposal and made up my mind that we all just needed to move to Colorado where life, I  imagine, must be perfect. Colorado was not a realistic quick fix, so I took a few deep breaths and decided not to panic.   I was not ready to let go of the deep contentment that had settled over me during the summer months.   I continually meditated on ...

Today I am writing. Winter has knocked the wind out of me this year, and over the last couple of weeks I have been (with the help of a higher dose of medication) digging myself out of my burrow. I have been reminding myself to be gentle and forgiving of myself.   I find it very easy to judge myself harshly when I am huddled on the sofa, wrapped in a cocoon of blanket, trying to summon the desire to put my feet on the floor and get on with my day. I tell myself, "You are so lazy! No one wants to get up and do the laundry! Everyone feels this way. You are not special. Nothing is wrong with you. You are failing at life. Just get up, and snap out of it!" I do not say these things out loud, and I do not even say them with real words, but I know that this is how I feel about myself. Wonderful friends tell me, "You are fabulous. It's okay to crawl back into bed some days," but I defend my judgmental self. My judgmental self knows how completely useless I am. ...

I suspect that fall has always been rather beautiful in Michigan.  This is my third fall here, but this is the first time I have really appreciated the beauty associated with dying chlorophyll.  Trees have burst into flaming shades of red, yellow and orange.  My three year old and I sit at the window and watch the leaves gracefully cascade toward the earth while she squeals and I breathe it all in as though I were observing it intentionally for the first time. Allow me to back up.  I am a girl who adores summertime.  I love blue skies, warm water, peaches, and sundresses.  I love the sunshine and the way it makes me feel.  I begin to fret at the beginning of September because I know, from experience, what lies ahead for me as summer comes to a close.  The days get shorter, my brain becomes foggy, and I become as lethargic as an old house cat. This year I decided to be proactive.  Per my GP's referral, I v...