"The best thing you ever did for me was to help me take my life less seriously. It's only life after all."

This is what just came downstairs...

Sophie and Emma as "Dad and Mum"

I love having kids.

Perfectly Imperfect

Life will never be perfect again. I was fooling myself all along when I thought I could make things just right, but that is my nature. I tend to make lists and plan out how everything should go on special occasions... much like Will Ferrell's character in Elf: "First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating. Then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then...we'll snuggle!"

But this year with three children, I have officially had to let go of my inner perfectionist. I let go of the lists of things that are supposed to happen at Christmastime and just went with the flow. This year's gingerbread house (pictured above) was entirely kid-created, apart from a little help with the assembly from our resident engineer. Honestly, I think it's the happiest-looking gingerbread house we've ever had.


Also, there just wasn't time to make the traditional Christmas cookies this year with everything else going on... so a sleeve of round butter cookies, loads of sprinkles and jimmies, and a tub of Betty Crocker frosting dyed four different colors with food coloring kept my little moppets as happy as can be for over an hour. While George and I cooked turkey and trimmings and an excellent sweet potato pie, Emma and Sophie decorated and set the dining room table for our meal. Was the silverware placed correctly on the table? Probably not, but everyone took part; no one was stressed, and the meal was delicious.

This is how Lili spent our Christmas dinner, and I think I have learned a lot from her attitude. Christmas should be a time for feeling at peace and enjoying time with family and friends, not a time for racing around like that proverbial be-headed chicken. Not all of the decorations made it out of storage. Those snow angels still haven't happened, but Christmas still came and was enjoyed by all at our house. You know I just have to quote Theodore Geisel here: "It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!"

Hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday season. Sleep in heavenly peace.

Love,

Meredith

Happy Christmas, My Beautiful Babies!!

So far our Christmas has been stress-free and perfect. Kids playing happily, Lili snoozing and cooing at us, good food... yes, just what we all needed. Santa Claus came last night and brought some fun little treats, but my girls were most excited about the gifts they had bought for me... a beautiful sterling silver Celtic necklace and matching earrings AND another beautiful necklace which depicts our new family of five locked in an embrace. Santa also brought me a new Cath Kidston bag, so I am feeling completely spoiled.

For the record, Emma and Sophie's favourite presents were: Sylvanian play sets and the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat DVD. (Maybe now they will stay off Youtube trying to watch it constantly!)

Hope you find yourself in the midst of a peaceful and joyous Christmas wherever you are this year!

Love...

Meredith

Ho ho ho-hum.

I've been resting (sort of) and recovering this week as well as making peace with giving up breast feeding. I took my last dose of antibiotics last night and am still expressing milk every five hours or so. It is my hope that I will be able to keep up my supply just enough to do that last feed with Lili when the drugs have cleared my system. I think this will make me feel a little better about it all. I have an appointment for a scan tomorrow just to be sure that all is well.

Our family is also getting back to normal a bit. Yesterday all of us went out to the cinema to see A Christmas Carol in 3D. My children were very familiar with the story, but the film itself was pretty terrifying for then. Lili was somewhat distressed by the noise, and I contemplated how much easier it was to take her to the movies when I had the milk / comfort on tap. Never mind all of that... I think it was important for us all to have a "normal" day out as a family to prove to ourselves that we could indeed be normal again after all of this past week's drama. After the movie we queued up to see Father Christmas, who was absolutely brilliant. I didn't hesitate once handing my sleeping little elf over to him. She almost woke up for a visit, but it turned out only to be a big stretch; then she drifted back off to sleep in his arms. As expected Sophie and Emma said they didn't need anything but just wanted Santa to bring some surprises. (This makes life so much easier for Santa!)

This morning we woke up to find a snow-covered Cardiff. The kids still had to go to school though. Ho -hum. It just seems wrong to be in school this week especially when there is snow on the ground. On the bright side, maybe I can catch a little nap while they are off. Bottle feeding is completely exhausting!

Happy Winter Solstice to all!

Don't Stop Believin'!!

I am smiling again today. I am coming to terms with my grief and getting a grip on my hormones. Today the health visitor called me and said, "You know when you have to stop nursing suddenly, your hormone levels drop. You need to be taking your fish oil." Yes, yesterday I started to work out the fact that hormones were at play. I know it is normal to be sad when in my situation, but I was crying bucket loads of tears.

So... I have now resumed the fish oil that had been forgotten in the midst of all of this madness and other medications. I have also added B-complex and have been turning on my SAD lamp in the mornings. Not least of all, I finally got to watch the sneak peek of Glee last night here in the UK, and that perked me up instantly and took me back to my own high school show choir days. Today Emma has been off school with a horrible case of tonsillitis. (Seriously, you should see this girl's tonsils!) We had a really nice day together with Lili. We listened to lots of music (including Journey's Greatest Hits). We danced, we sang, and I started to smile again.

Sophie was back at school today. She got to visit Santa in his toy mine at the Rhondda Heritage Park. She says she had a brilliant day, even though it wasn't the real Santa. (She could just tell by his face.) She sat with Rocco on the bus, and when I asked about Rocco, she said, "You know; he's the one with the orange coat. He's a lot like me because we both like to laugh a lot." She also got a Christmas card covered in kisses from her new love interest, Dmitry. She still fancies Harry L. and has also added Jack W. to her list of boy toys. What a girl!

While Emma was home with me today, we discussed many important things. One topic which was brought up by Emma was the fact that she didn't think it was very healthy OR very sensible for Santa Claus to be eating mince pies and cookies at every single house he visits. I think Santa might be getting carrots and celery at our house this year. I also realized today, that she has been moving the three wise men a tiny bit closer to the nativity set each day. The baby Jesus has been moved into a plant pot and will join the scene on Christmas morning. Clever girl.

When Sophie got home from school, we carried on with singing and dancing. We decided that Here Come the Girls by Ernie K. Doe is our new theme song. We also downloaded X-Factor winner, Joe McElderry's new single, per Sophie's request. Maybe he will beat out Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One? Only nine more sleeps according to the Cadbury's chocolate Advent calendar!

Boobie Update: When I took Emma in to the doctor this morning, Dr. Morris (whom my husband calls hot lady doctor - because she is) had another feel, and said she thought it had definitely improved since yesterday. She is still trying to book me in for a scan at any hospital that will take me, and shares my frustration with that situation, but it does seem that things are improving and definitely not getting worse. Hopefully I will get through this all with nothing more than nuclear strength antibiotics. Thanks again for all of the encouragement, commiserations and prayers!!

Mourning is a Process...

The above picture of Grandma Sophia bottle feeding Lili absolutely breaks my heart (although Sophie loved the opportunity to feed her baby sister). This weekend has been a rough and emotional one for me. On Friday evening, just after the doctor's office closed (of course), I started experiencing pain in the previously dubbed "good boob." An hour or so later, flu-like symptoms hit me like a freight train. I was shivering uncontrollably and cursing the carrots and hummus I had eaten earlier as they returned... Hmmm... Ever tried to nurse a baby while throwing up? Looking back on it, that was pretty impressive. I was 99% sure I had mastitis. My "bosom buddy" Sonia drove me over to the Heath hospital where we saw a friend of ours who was the GP on call that evening. She confirmed that it looked and sounded like mastitis and gave me another round of antibiotics to start taking immediately.

Saturday wasn't any better. Because of the infection my milk supply was really low and Lili cried every time I put her to my breast. George finally defrosted my last bag of expressed breast milk and gave her her first bottle. She devoured it greedily, and my heart began to break just a little. I was no longer able to provide her with what she needed, and I still felt like hell. By the evening, my breast was feeling worse and starting to look a little too familiar. It looked to me like the early stages of another abscess, and I began to panic.

Sunday morning we called the after hours service, and the nurse on call sent us to a lovely old building in town called the Cardiff Royal Infirmary. I saw a doctor there who took a look at me and declared that, yes, it did look like ANOTHER abscess. An expression of complete dread must have come over me since, when she looked at my face, her demeanor immediately changed from clinical to sympathetic, "Oh, I am so sorry." she said. I proudly held it together until we got back in the car when the tears began to leap down my cheeks. The doctor in the infirmary had booked me into the Surgical Assessment Unit at the Heath hospital, so we were off to another hospital... again.

And so my mourning began. I realized that I had probably breastfed Lili for the last time and not even known it. When we arrived at the Heath, I was completely tearful every time one of the poor student nurses came in to talk to me. George and the big kids went off to buy formula, and Sophie asked, "What's formula??" That sent me over the edge again. I was suddenly no longer a breast feeding mom. While they were gone, I took Lili into one of the triage rooms and used my breast pump to express what little milk I had while I sobbed and sobbed. I cannot explain why nursing is such an emotional thing. I never would have understood it if I hadn't experienced it myself. I know that breast milk is the best thing for my baby, but I also know that 'formula isn't poison.' I think I will mostly miss the closeness that I shared with my breastfed baby. I will selfishly miss the fact that it was something that only I could give her, and I will undoubtedly miss the convenience of it all. Last night we were sterilizing bottles and teats and mixing formula again (as I did with Emma for most of her baby-hood). That is going to get old fast.

Back at the Heath, I finally saw a surgeon at around 5pm. He was very nice and sympathetic since his wife (the radiologist who aspirated my first abscess-- cue the "It's a Small World" music) also had to give up breastfeeding for medical reasons. He congratulated me for making it two and a half months and for persevering after a traumatic breast surgery, but said that it was probably time to let it go. After examining me, he concurred that what I had was a "brewing abscess" rather than a full-blown abscess. He couldn't tell for sure without an ultrasound, and apparently it is impossible to get one of those on a Sunday evening in Cardiff. It was his hope, however, that if we hit it hard with antibiotics, we could knock it out and avoid more horrible medical procedures. Of course, I am all for that. The heavy duty meds would, however, make my milk unsuitable for Lili.

So... did I cry last night after I expressed milk and poured it down the sink? You bet your granny's knickers I did. One would have thought I'd be all cried out by now, but my tears keep coming.

I received one and a half rounds of intravenous antibiotics in hospital last night before returning home. (The second round had to be stopped half way through since it apparently didn't agree with me, and I felt as though fire were being sent through my veins.) Lili is doing fine and seems as happy as ever with the bottles of formula. I am still 'pumping and dumping' milk until the infection goes away, and I am taking two different kinds of antibiotics as home. The meds have wreaked havok on my stomach, but if they allow me to avoid surgery, I can cope. Emma and Sophie are both off school sick today. Emma is especially miserable since she is missing a class field trip; bless her heart. This morning all four of us girls were curled up in my bed like a miserable motley crew, but honestly it's a little bit nice to have everybody home and hunkered down today. Even George has taken the day off work to commiserate.

I appreciate all of the well wishes and words of encouragement. I truly do. They have warmed my heart and brought on fresh tears of gratitude. I know that I will, of course, be okay, but I am in mourning at the moment. I am so grateful for the fact that my husband appreciates my grief even if he doesn't understand it. What a blessed person am I.

Hopefully I will be back to writing about more cheerful topics again soon. I should be back in to see my "old" breast surgeon again sometime this week. Once again, I am ever so hopeful that this infection will have sorted itself out, and he will send me off on my way. How great would that be? Prayers, once again, are appreciated!

"A Star Kept Shining!"

Yesterday was a good day to be a mom. I got to go to two Christmas concerts which featured my children singing lovely songs about stars and angels and the good news of Christmas. In the morning Lili and I went to the Radyr Primary Junior's concert. I sat next to my good friend Sonia, and as we waited for the show to start, we cheekily discussed how Gok Wan might improve on the fashion choices of some of the staff and teachers. 'Tis the season to be catty, I suppose. (Seriously though, Gok could have a field day.)

...And then the show began. After the Year Sixes performed (not once, but twice) a tedious yet imaginative version of The 12 Days of Christmas (which included "9 'Jedwards' Dancing"), the Year Fives shared a fantastic medley of songs from the musical Oliver! Then it was finally time for the traditional Christmas nativity musical put on by Years 3 and 4. The music was really lovely. Dear Emma sang her little heart out and gazed lovingly at her mother for almost the entire show. (I think the loving gazes may have actually been fixed on her baby sister, but I am still claiming them.)

In the afternoon, we trekked back out in the rain to see the Infants' concert, and we were so impressed with our Sophia. She had two speaking parts which were delivered with great expression and confidence, and she also had an angelic solo. Her singing was so clear and beautiful. I got completely choked up watching her, and I heard several "Ahhh"s from others in the audience when her song was finished. Perhaps she will follow in her mother's footsteps?? I certainly had a love of singing when I was her age, but I didn't have to confidence to give it a go publicly until I was a bit older.

(Below, Sophie is pictured looking out into the audience at baby Lili after the show.)

The Lili Monster certainly gathered her fair share of the attention while we were out as well. Even the school's headmaster asked if she could have a cwtch, and don't even get me started on the response she elicited from all of the eleven year old girls in Year 6! I can't say that I blame any of them. She is downright adorable. We are enjoying her more and more since just in the last couple of weeks, she has started to become a little character with her own charming personality. She smiles. She coos. She shrieks with delight. And she has us ALL wrapped around her tiny finger. Love love love LILI!!

George snapped the above photo as we were walking back to the car after Sophie's concert yesterday. We were setting off all of the cuteness-alarms in Radyr.

Today is being spent catching up on all of our laundry. Five people generate a LOT of dirty laundry! It has gotten to the point that I am going through the kids' baskets, giving things a sniff, and tossing them back to the girls saying, "You can totally wear this AT LEAST one more time!!" And by the way, it is definitely more eco-friendly to do less laundry. I am trying to do my part!

BLISS...

This is what I get to snuggle up with today...

"Where there is faith, there is love.

Where there is love, there is peace.

Where there is peace, there is God.

Where there is God, there is BLISS."

--Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Hope you find a bit of bliss today wherever you are.

My Little Conversation Piece

When I go back and visit the States, as I recover from the reverse culture shock that ensues upon seeing scads of superstores and restaurants lining the sides of every major road, I am always struck by how friendly the complete strangers in these places are. I never really appreciated it when I lived in North Carolina, but the place is chock full of outgoing, friendly folks. Back in Hick'rey, you'd think nothing of asking a stranger in the grocery store if they'd tried the new Sara Lee frozen Key Lime pie on aisle 7. You'd absolutely expect the guy with "Ricky" stitched on the front of his shirt to hold the door for you as you exited the store with a load of shopping bags. (He might even help you to your car, especially if you were pregnant or had children, and then he'd say, "Have a nice day, ma'am," and he would actually mean it.) You would totally strike up a conversation with that lady in the waiting room at the dentist office when you noticed she was reading that Oprah's book club novel you had just finished. Okay... so maybe I am romanticizing a bit. I know that not every Dennis or Ricky has such chivalrous manners, but a girl is allowed to wax sentimental at Christmastime, right?

The point is, things are not the same her in Great Britain. Brits are just a bit more reserved typically. Many find our American "Have a nice day" to be completely daft and insincere, and some may even roll their eyes at you if you have an American accent and are overheard describing something as "cute." But I have now given birth to the ultimate antidote to British stand-offishness, and her name is Lilianna Gwyneth. Since I have been out and about with my little one, I have had countless conversations with perfect strangers who just cannot resist saying, "Ohhh, isn't she lovely!" or asking, "What do you call her?" and "How big was she born?" Just now in the doctors' office, I met two lovely ladies, and I now know all about their children or grandchildren as well as what they are cooking for Christmas dinner. I feel like I'm back in Hick'rey, y'all, and I love it! Babies really ARE such a nice way to start people, and mine has the power to charm even the most reserved of characters... even when she is sound asleep.

Hello, My Name Is Nosy Parker.

What's going on?

Who Loves You, Baby?

Well, if your name is Lilianna Carson, then the answer to that question is: EVERYBODY!! What a lucky little girl! We have all fallen head over heels for her. Today my brother in law requested a photo of all three children, and I realized that due to all of my drama, there really weren't any decent photos of all three children. So, when everyone was in a fairly civilized mood right after school, I managed to capture a few pics.
Lili has also managed to catch her first cold, and she is completely pitiful. 'Tis the season, I suppose. Speaking of the season, Emma and Sophie are gearing up for their school Christmas concerts. Both are playing angels, and I have been busy trying to sort out their costumes. They have also both been rather secretive about their impending performances. Sophie did inform me today that three wise men brought Jesus gifts of "gold, insects and myrrh," so it sounds like she is right on track.

Now I am off to help Lili cope with the abundance of snot she is suddenly producing. Bless her poor heart.