Bright as a Button!

Not much to write about today; just thought I'd post a semi-smiley photo of the Lili monster. For a few weeks it seemed I had her internal clock sorted, but for the past week, she's been back to her old, wicked, Carson ways... up at all hours of the night. Mind you, she isn't unpleasant, just awake and eager for company. Last night at around midnight I took her downstairs to George and handed her (wide awake and grinning) over to him: "Here, you two deserve each other!" I said.

Three hours later, bless his heart, George stumbled into our bedroom and mumbled, "I have to go to sleep now. Can you take her back?" I hadn't meant for him to stay up half the night with her, but I must say, I think that was the best three hours of sleep I've ever had. Now... looking ahead to tonight...perhaps things will be better?? She is two months old today. High time she learned to sleep at night, I say.

Getting Culture From Something Other Than Yogurt

Lili has taken some big steps out in the world this weekend! On Friday she went with George and me to the cinema for the first time in her life. We thoroughly enjoyed our outing with vampires and werewolves while Lili tuned it all out and had a nice, long nap. Then last night, all four of us Carson girls went to see our lone Carson dude on stage in the charming seasonal comedy, My Three Angels. We all enjoyed our night out (although Sophie is a complete grizzly bear today since we didn't get home until after 11 pm). We were very proud of George who seemed to be having the time of his life up on stage again.


During the show our little Nosy Parker was bright as a button the entire time. Any time she threatened to kick up a fuss, I quickly shoved her up my blouse where she seemed to be perfectly happy. Everyone complimented her afterwards on her excellent behavior. (The other two girls were well-mannered little ladies too, by the way.) Keeping Miss Lili-pie content throughout the entire show was not a completely easy feat, so I wasn't able to take any photographs during the show. I was, however, very able to take a picture of the fantastic cake that George made for the after-show party....


This is "Adolphe the snake," who played a very important role in the show even though he was never actually seen by the audience. Is it wrong that I am more impressed with George's baking than his acting?? I am now wondering why I am always the one who makes our kids' birthday cakes. He is brilliant!!

Our adopted family, the Collinses, also joined us in the audience last night. I really try not to be jealous of the fact that our baby, to whom I devote nearly all of my energy, seems to love the Collinses more than she loves me. Who can blame her, I suppose? They are downright fantastic. Anytime we are in the presence of Michael or Sonia, Lili cannot take her eyes off of them! Michael concludes that she has exquisite taste at a very young age.

And now... we are taking a breather. There are no play rehearsals or any other commitments today. The Christmas decorations are bound to make their way down from the attic soon enough, but for now, we are just enjoying a few moments of peace. Here's wishing you some peaceful moments of your own before the start of a new week...

My Three Angels

George's dramatic debut in Wales happens tomorrow night. He is starring in the Radyr Drama Society's production of My Three Angels. Yes, I think he was completely mad to take this on when we were expecting a new baby, but I think it has been a nice outlet for him during this stressful time. Speaking of madness, I am taking all three girls to see the show on Saturday night! God, be with me!

Above: George (Jules), Martin (Joseph), and Jim (Alfred), three convicts who are overcome with the Christmas spirit

What I've Learned About Gratitude...

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where the streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name.

And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out, I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your name. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Blessed be Your glorious name...

I have often sung along with these lyrics in church but wondered if I really meant it. Would I really still be able to "praise" God in the really bad times? As a young woman, I spent a good bit of time feeling quite angry with God about my situation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my situation then was all to do with my own attitude. These days I appreciate how truly fortunate I am when so many others in the world are struggling and suffering, but it is easy to be grateful when the fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high.

Recently God/ life handed me the opportunity to test myself. I won't compare my suffering to the suffering of others. My life was never in danger. I had access to superb medical care. My baby is strong and healthy. I am supremely grateful for all of these things, but I did face some challenges, and I did endure a good bit of pain, more than I have ever experienced before. I am pleased and relieved to say that I have come through the other side blessing God's name all the more. And trudging through the dark days allowing myself to feel God's love rather than feeling angry with God made a huge difference.

I have even reached the point at which I can say that I am grateful for the experience and the challenge because I have gained so much more than I have lost.

In the last two months, I have had two surgeries which were both classed as "emergencies." (This makes it all sound very dramatic, doesn't it?) Throughout my recovery I have been on the receiving end of so much love and care. I have never been so helpless, but being in this state forced me to allow others to nurture and care for me, and this was a gift. I now have a full supply of empathy for anyone else who undergoes any kind of surgery.

I have also gained a sense of awe and empowerment as I have felt my body heal. How amazing it is that I have regrown all of this new, healthy tissue where there was once a hole 3-4 centimetres deep! As one of my former 4th grade students would say, "When God made me, He didn't make no junk!" I am amazing! I have also experienced the effects of a healthy diet and good self-care. I am really looking forward to seeing the discouraging surgeon back in the hospital tomorrow. He is the one who told me that the wound would take months to heal if I carried on breastfeeding. Well... here we are four weeks later... Lili has had nothing but my breast milk, and as of today, my wound is no longer deep enough to require packing with Kaltostat! I plan to be more than a little smug when we meet again tomorrow.

And finally, now that I am feeling better, I truly appreciate feeling well, and I have a renewed desire to make the most of life. So, yes, Thanksgiving is a big deal for me this year. I am grateful for ALL of the good things I have going for me, and I am thankful for the challenges that life has thrown my way as well.

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant; to enact gratitude is generous and noble; but to live gratitude is to touch heaven." -- Johannes Gaertner

Early Thanksgiving Again!

We are celebrating Thanksgiving early again this year. As I type I am feeding Lili her appetizer. Our guests are expected in half an hour, and, as usual, George has just gone upstairs to get a shower.

Thanksgiving is a pretty exciting day. This morning Sophie bounded into my bedroom (where I was feeding Lili her early breakfast), and gave me a card she had made. The front said: To Mom, Happy Thanksgiving. Inside was a picture of Lili, and she had written, "Thank you for making this baby." I think we are all feeling especially thankful for Lili this year and for the fact that I am recovering well from all of my drama!

Once again this year our Thanksgiving celebration has coincided with the Radyr Parish's Christmas Fayre, so I took ALL of the girls over to the church this morning for some "fun and fellowship." Lili slept through the entire affair in my front carrier. Emma & Sophie had their faces painted to look like Snow Queens...

Above... This was my view of Lili all morning.

I was also happy to run into the ever-fabulous Sonia and to look human enough myself to pose for a photograph with her.

Look Out, Stella, I'm Gainin' on Ya!

Even though the forecast called for rain and gale force winds, it has turned out to be an absolutely beautiful day. So after having my wound packed fiercely by the very gentle-looking Nurse Michelle at my local GP, Lili and I along with my adventurous friend Sonia hit the Taff Trail for some exercise, fresh air and sunshine. It was an especially good work out for me since I had Lili strapped to my chest in the 'Snugli' carrier. The River Taff was raging due to our recent deluge; the trail was completely mucky, and I was in high spirits, filling my five senses with life once again! Afterwards Lili was full of smiles so the fresh air must have done her good too.

Now I am off to make either carrot cake or cranberry & white chocolate chunk cookies in anticipation of our Thanksgiving feast tomorrow!

Just Like Stella

... I'm starting to get my groove back. I haven't even thought about blogging this week because I have been too busy feeling human again!! Cooking meals and doing laundry has never felt so good. Obviously I am still up with Lil several times in the night, but she seems to settle down quickly after each feed. Today she has been positively slumberous, so I hope she won't make up for lost time at 3 am... yes, hopefully we are past all of that...touch wood.

I have been visiting the practice nurses at my local GP to have my wound cared for this week, and they have been very encouraging, even saying that after this week the wound will likely no longer need daily dressing. That's what I'm talking about, Mr. Nasty-Discouraging-Breast-Consultant! (Prayer, positive thinking and healthy eating, thank you very much!) And since I know you've been wondering... with the wound healing up so nicely, milk is no longer leaking out of it. This is a huge improvement in terms of my comfort and mobility. My left breast actually seems to be producing only the tiniest quantities of milk and is now less than half the size of its next door neighbor. Too much information? Well, let's change the subject then....

George is starring in a local dramatic production of a show called My Three Angels which opens on Thursday the 26th, our American Thanksgiving Day. We were in a similar situation last year when I was in the same drama troupe's production of A Christmas Carol, so we are, once again, celebrating Thanksgiving early this weekend. I was told today that there is currently a turkey shortage in Britain. I'm not sure why there is a shortage of turkeys, but this probably explains why George had to buy two smaller birds rather than one impressive-looking large one. Never mind, we still have ever so much to be thankful for, and we will be celebrating this weekend by consuming vast quantities with good friends.

Looking ahead with hope...

Sophie's Magic Fingers

It figures that the first week I am well enough to get out of the house a bit, the Welsh weather returns. The majority of this week has been cold, very rainy and windy. Yes, I am complaining and grouchy. I am sore and awkward and have been hauling a screaming baby in and out of the car in rubbish weather for the last two days... and I don't like it. Lili has also been a very unhappy bunny these last few days...which brings me to the topic of Sophie's magic fingers as pictured below....




Sophie, of course, is the one who decided that her own fingers were magical, and she is convinced that they can stop any baby from crying. The magic fingers do seem to work temporarily, and honestly even few seconds of respite from screaming and crying is always welcome. Oh, how I admire that Sophie-confidence and wish I had some magical body parts myself these days!!

What I do have is a wound that is healing very well according to the district nurses who visit me each day. They seem to always be very pleased with my progress. The wound that started out at 3+ cm depth now is only about 1 cm deep, so this is encouraging. I know I should be thrilled, but I am growing quite weary of it all. I am just so ready to be normal and out of discomfort. I know I will get there one day, and for that I am genuinely grateful.

In other news... apparently Lili has not changed her feelings about bath time...

I didn't even know that Sophie had taken the above picture of Lili getting out of the bath earlier this week. She obviously didn't enjoy her bath even though I used the most gorgeous-smelling shampoo on her in hopes of washing all of the red and silver glitter out of her hair. (This is what you get when you have two older sisters. I have had a glittery disco-baby all week!) Actually the expression captured in the photo above sums up the mood Lili has been in for the last few days... pretty dismal. What gives, Lil? I think we all need some sunshine!

Enjoy the weekend, everyone!

Ice Cube Said It Best...

Today was a good day. There is a superstitious part of me that hated typing that last statement since the last time I did, it all went pear-shaped shortly thereafter. But I say pooh-pooh to superstition; it WAS a good day.

Lili allowed me five very broken and interrupted hours of sleep last night, and that is an improvement. This morning after breakfast, Lili gave Sophie the biggest grin ever, and Sophie was thrilled that she had elicited such a fabulous response from her "so adorable baby sister." I actually took a shower and washed my hair (for the first time in four days--Ew.) The district nurse visited and gave me a positive report about the healing progress of my wound. It will still have to be packed daily for a few more weeks, but there is no infection and all seems to be healing very well. My friend Sonia and I took Lili out for the first time ever in her pram. She loved the movement and the cool, fresh air and subsequently took a fantastic long nap allowing me to eat lunch without having to simultaneously bounce a baby. (Told you it was a good day!)

A bit later we went to Lili's six week check at the doctor's office, and I actually drove us there myself. Hallelujah! Lili is now a strapping 8 1/2 pounds, being fed solely on milk from my one healthy breast. After our doctor's visit Lili and I collected Emma and Sophie from school for the first time since she was born. Everyone was excited to see us, but especially our big girls.

Lili has been in good spirits for most of the day. I think it is good for both of us to get out and have some fresh air and a change of scenery. (Maybe she'll sleep a bit better tonight as a result of all of our activity today?? One can hope!)

All of us are enjoying our new little one as she gets a bit older. She is so alert and looks right into our faces now as we chat with her. Now if I can only get her to sleep during those dark hours at night...

Oh No! Another Carson!!

It's a good thing she's this cute...

Nosy Parker has kept me up for what feels like most of the night for the last three nights now. She isn't crying or upset... or even hungry... just awake... and nosy. It occurred to me this morning that I have now weaned off all of my pain killers, so now that she is no longer getting codeine-laced breast milk, it would make sense that she'd be a bit more awake and alert. Unfortunately I do not feel at all in the mood to socialize with her at 2 am. I am really hoping that she will fall into a normal, human sleep pattern soon, but I am afraid I may have another Carson vampire on my hands. Heaven help me!

She's Nocturnal

My three little ladies in their pajamas this morning...

Serves me right for bragging about how good I was feeling a couple of days ago... for the past two nights, Miss Nosy Parker has decided that it's party time in the middle of the night. If you want to spend some quality time with Lili, drop by around 3 am. I blame our completely unscheduled week in the hospital. Regardless of what is to blame, I am exhausted. Sophie thinks it's quite funny that "she's nocturnal." I am unable to find the humor at the moment.

Ah well... this too shall pass, and we did indeed know what we were getting ourselves into the third time around. Here's hoping for a bit more sleep in the wee hours tonight!

Each Day Gets Better...

Today was better than yesterday, and with any luck, tomorrow will be a bit better than today. I started my day on the receiving end of a few Lili smiles. What could be better? She and I also managed to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep in the night. The baby nappy taped under my bra did the trick, so for the first time since my surgery I wasn't soaked when I woke up. Hooray! I am starting to feel genuinely human again. "100%" and "normal" are goals reserved for the future, but for today, I am thrilled with the improvements I am experiencing.

George took this photo of Lili and me this afternoon.

• We are standing in front of our new living room wall colour: Intense Truffle.
• No, I'm not sure what the expression on Lili's face is all about. Give her a break. She's only a month old. She is still working on her look. ("Baby Blue Steel"?)
• Miss Lili is indeed growing. The nurses weighed her a week ago when I was in the hospital, and she tipped the scales at just over 8 pounds.
• As you can see, as of today, I am able to gingerly hold her over the right side of my chest again. This is a triumph and makes both of us girls extremely happy!
  

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly...

...and it's mostly good. Each day I am feeling a tiny bit better. Each day when the district nurses come to change my wound dressing, they say it looks good and clean. Each day I honestly feel more grateful than anything else. I am so grateful to have a healthy, happy, (spoiled rotten) baby. Having a baby to take care of means there is no time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. I have had a few dark moments, but I have cried them out and then gotten back to life. I am also grateful that things are not worse. My issues, although painful and thoroughly inconvenient, are not life threatening. I have had truly excellent medical care that has all been completely free. (You will never hear me preaching about the evils of 'socialized medicine'. My care has been fantastic, and it is the same care that a prince or a pauper would have received. And that is all I shall say about that.) I truly do have so very much to be thankful for. I thought about this today when I put our little Pilgrim and Indian figures out on the mantel. So that is the 'good'.

The bad? Well, I am a bit frustrated about the fact that I have basically been house bound or in hospital for the last five weeks. In my mind I am ready to re-join the rest of the world, but my body still very much needs to rest, recover and rebuild. It is already November, and I feel as though I completely missed October. On the days that I looked out the window, it appeared as though October was a nice month: mostly crisp and sunny. Oh well. Today my friend Sonia helped me pack up Halloween and pull out Thanksgiving. It is time to move on.

And the ugly... I have a big, deep hole in my boob. This is problematic for a few reasons. The first and most obvious reason is that it is ever so painful and needs to be re-packed and dressed by a visiting nurse daily. (Thank God for the district nurses though. They are brilliant and come right to my door every morning.) My broken boob definitely restricts what I can do. I am awkward. I cannot take my baby up and down the stairs and actually find it difficult to lift and carry her at all. I wish I could hold her against my chest to comfort her as this seems to be her preferred position, but this is not possible right now either. So I am creative and awkward... aren't those qualities the mother(s) of invention?

Here is the ugliest bit of all. Turn away now if you can't bear it.... I am still breastfeeding but only on the right side. Nursing on the left would be far to painful and would most likely complicate the healing of the wound even further. Although I am not feeding on the left side, this does not mean that my brain has told the left side to stop producing milk. And since milk ducts were obviously severed during the surgery, every time I nurse Lili on the opposite side, milk pours out of the wound on my left breast. When I wake up in the morning, my wound dressings, night gown and pillows are soaked with stale breast milk. (I warned you, didn't I?) I keep hoping that the milk production on the left side will taper off, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I am also curious about what will happen with those severed ducts when the wound actually heals. Any physiology experts out there have an answer? Today I have put on a bra, and I have half of a baby nappy (diaper) stuffed on top of my wound dressing in hopes that this will keep me from soaking everything in sight today. Progress report soon...

Until then I will continue to count my blessings. What else can I do? I am a very blessed lady.

Tricky Teat

No, I didn't expect to be in the hospital recovering from surgery on Halloween, but that's just where I was. Above Lili and I are pictured all dressed up for Halloween. In case you cannot tell, she was a gorgeous little sleeping pumpkin. I was obviously a scary, naked lady who hadn't showered in a week... wait, that wasn't a costume unfortunately.

So to re-cap... my hopeful attitude after last Monday's boob eruption was not rewarded with a miraculous recovery. Instead when we returned to hospital on Wednesday, Dr Eleri stabbed me with a giant needle a couple of times for posterity, then declared that that obviously wasn't doing the trick. I was going to need another surgery... just when things were starting to get back to normal after my c-section. Boo-hoo.

After being starved for several hours (that's the medical term, not just my being overly dramatic), I was taken into the operating theatre on Wednesday evening. Prior to the surgery, I met my surgeon, Nathan. I'm sure he has a surname, but he only introduced himself as Nathan (which incidentally would have been Lili's name had she been a boy). I have to admit that Nathan was absolutely dreamy. He was so calming and pleasant that one would feel reassured if the worst news in the world were delivered in his soft, soothing voice. Just lovely. He apologised in advance for the scar he would leave, but I reassured him that I only wanted relief and that my boobs really weren't my best feature anyway. George ever so helpfully quipped (after the fact), "It's not like painting a moustache on the Mona Lisa." Nice, right?

After the surgery I was in a lot of pain. No need to write about it really, but it obviously wasn't nice. The morphine they gave me also made me sick and extremely itchy. I don't recommend the morphine. My stay in the hospital was so lengthy because I just couldn't get on top of the pain. For the first couple of days post-surgically, I couldn't even get out of bed. Who would have thought such excruciating pain could radiate from such a small breast? I described the pain (upon trying to stand upright) as scorching hot and bright yellow. That's the best I can do.

The surgeons all told me to just remain supine until the inflammation abated, and I was quite content to follow doctor's orders, but on the evening of the second day, I had a proper midwife intervention. Sian, Louise and Julie, my three angels, came in to give me a dose of tough love. "Right," Julie said trilling her r's, "We're gonna dose you up with pain killers and get you out of this bed. I don't care what the doctors say. We're not having you develop a blood clot in your legs..." And that's just what those three did. "You can curse me when I leave the room if you want," said Julie, "But I would be doing the very same thing if you were my own daughter."

I got up, cheered on my Louise who kept shouting, "Come on now, cup your boob!! Cup your boob! Give it some support!" I got up, and I felt euphoric... and a wee bit shaky. Funny how such a small accomplishment as standing and taking a few steps turned into such a huge victory there in that ugly peach colored hospital room. I was on my feet! Hooray.

I still wasn't ready to come home and give up the nurse call button and the hospital-grade pain killers. Because, as a breastfeeding mother, I had to keep Lili in the room with me at all times, I was given a bed on the post-natal ward rather than the surgical ward, and while I was there, those midwives became my family. I cannot describe how wonderful their care was. They did all of the things for me that I couldn't do for myself... and that amounted to nearly everything.

I haven't yet mentioned Lili, who honestly has probably benefited from all of this drama. My friend Lowri, who is a midwife at Royal Glam Hospital helped look after me one day and remarked, "What a lucky girl! How many third babies get to have all this uninterrupted one-on-one time with their mums?" This is true... Six days in hospital with no television or other distractions meant that nearly all of my attention was focused on that gorgeous little girl. Lili didn't suffer a bit, and honestly having her to care for and cwtch up with kept me sane. What a lovely little thing she is! "Nosy Parker" was the nickname all of the midwives gave her because she is so alert and curious, constantly looking about everywhere (unlike the newborns they are accustomed to).

Obviously I have had some rather dark moments in the last week . Having the wound packed and dressed on a daily basis has not been a treat. The pain has also been extremely trying but improves a bit each day. On the last day I was in the hospital the lead breast consultant came in and reduced me to tears when he basically said that the healing process was going to be extremely slow since I am determined to carry on with this breastfeeding nonsense. I agree with the district nurse who came to see me today and re-dress my wound. She said, "Let's prove him wrong, shall we?" Yes indeed! Please continue to keep me in your prayers. I need some serious healing right now so that I can begin fully enjoying being a mother of three!

(Above) Sophie & Emma still enjoyed Halloween at home with Dad.

They carved several of the pumpkins that we grew in our garden.

Never mind that several of our pumpkins stayed green... not enough warmth & sunshine to turn pumpkins orange in Wales!

Green pumpkins are unique... much like those girls.