How I Know I am Stressed

Bear with me now… Have you ever had one of those dreams about needing to pee? In your dream you try to pee, but it just doesn’t happen. Or you are desperate to find a bathroom, and one never materializes. Finally you wake yourself up and realize that yes, you actually do need the toilet. Sometimes, if you are my husband, you occasionally don’t wake up before relieving yourself, but we won’t go into that.

Well, last night, in the middle of the night, I found myself in a similar situation. Only this time I dreamed that my life was full of stress. The headteacher at Emma’s school was screaming at me about how I had improperly handled my job. (I think I was a teacher again in my dream.) Then, in my dream, my husband was screaming at me about being a complete failure. (You all, of course, realize that this was a completely far-fetched dream at this point.) I found that my dream-self was desperately on the verge of tears. I wanted so badly to weep, sob, break down, etc. My dream-self feared that I would appear very weak if I allowed the tears to really flow, so I held back. Finally I awoke and looked at the clock. It was 3 a.m.-ish… And I let the tears actually come, consciously. I cried and cried all over my pillow while everyone else slept. Then I got up, went to the bathroom and went back to sleep.

This has never happened to me before. It made me realize that if I don’t let it out while I am conscious, my stress emotions will find a way of expressing themselves. I didn’t sleep all that well for the rest of the night. At some point I became aware of the fact that Sophie had joined us in bed and was sleeping very nearly on top of me. Then, of course, the sunlight came streaming in at some un-Godly hour and stimulated my brain to wake up even though I was exhausted.

See…didn’t you like it better when I just decided not to blog when I was feeling negative? I feel sure that reading this has brought joy to no one. The positive note is: I have now managed to actually book a real appointment with my official obstetrical consultant for next week. I am hoping that talking to her will allay some of my fears and concerns. Until then, I will be here, lying low.